Marion's Communication Tips

The Art of Proper "Complaining"

It happened to me just today. I was in a line-up at a large big box store (I won't mention the name - suffice to say they have lots of food samples, and endless lines at the cashier). I did a quick sweep, got the items on my list and headed for the cashier with the shortest line-up. None of them were short ... I said, "shortest".

After waiting what seemed like an inordinate amount of time, I realized that there seemed to be some complication with ringing through the gentleman at the front of the line. Maybe it was his card or the price on some item, I'm not sure. All I know is that help had to come and sort through.

Meanwhile, the line behind me grew ... and grew impatient, myself included. I had a presentation to finalize, photocopies to make, handouts to get ready. I wanted to leave. Perhaps it was this sense of urgency I had (and their lack of it) that heightened my sensibilities. I noticed things I wanted to complain about.

I couldn't hold it inside anymore. I turned to the guy behind me, a young chap in his 20s, and said, "wow, I can't believe that there are such lineups at every cashier, yet they have a couple cashes closed. Why on earth would they do that?".

He looked at me somewhat puzzled. OK, maybe "puzzled" is being kind. His expression shouted, "why is this woman speaking to me?", and you know something - he was right. He might have thought I was looking for him to somehow magically solve the problem. I wasn't. I was simply satisfying my need to vent and looking for some consensus regarding how ridiculous this wait was.

In that moment it hit me. I was reminded of what I tell my clients before they assert themselves and speak up:

Decide whether you want a solution or just need to vent.

In the words of Stephen Covey, "Begin with the end". Know WHY you feel the urge to speak up. It's really not complaining. It's satisfying a need. You either want to find an answer to a troubling question or you want emotional validation.The two reasons take on different approaches.

Letting the other person know the outcome you're expecting is helpful. This way, they know how to respond. Do you want a listening ear and validation? Or do you want some options and solutions?

Of course, if venting is your objective, turning to friends and people who know you is infinitely more effective than some young guy in a grocery line-up, though both serve the purpose of finding reassurance that your position is valid and can be seen and appreciated by others. Sometimes, that validation alone is enough.

If it's a solution you're looking for, that's very different. Turning to those who know you or are in a similar situation may feel good, but it's not going to do anything toward solving the problem. Instead, speak to a decision-maker, someone in a position to create change in the area of concern. Sometimes ferreting out who this person is can be a challenge in itself, especially in large, bureaucratic organizations. A great approach is to start with the phrase,

"I'm hoping you can help me."

It puts people in "receive mode", gives them esteem in that you're elevating their position to one seen as someone who has the power to assist, and it's respectful and polite.

Next time you feel the need to "complain", think of it instead as asserting yourself. Decide what you want before you start and I assure you, it will increase your chances that you'll get it. Now, wouldn't you rather be known as a strong, assertive communicator rather than a complainer? Now you have one more tool to do exactly that.

Until next time, here's to ...
Better communication, Better business, Better life,
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
COMMUNICATION CATALYST
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author
www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  

© 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communication specialist, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve morale, confidence and productivity by changing how they communicate. Chat with her at www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks and sign up for her FREE weekly "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com

Say It While You Can

Hey MarionSpeaks, today is my birthday and I find myself reflecting over the past year. It was this same week last year that I lost my mom. She was 90 years young and suffered from Alzheimer's -- it was like losing her twice. When I got the news of her passing, it was especially difficult because I was in Florida and she was in the Niagara region. As I trekked back home, I tapped out my weekly article enroute. It was the enewsletter that has to this date, received one of the highest responses from you, my readers, colleagues and clients.

In memory of my mom and in honor of all the people in your life you hold near and dear or have lost, I share with you this "encore" article I wrote last year. Although months have passed, the message is a timeless one. Even through difficult times, you can share and receive the lessons learned -- and it's this very art of sharing that is one of the many vestiges my mother leaves behind.

November 2010

SAD NEWS ... AND THE BEST GIFT I EVER RECEIVED

 

It's with an aching heart that I tell you this past week, my mother passed away. As I type, I am in JFK International Airport enroute to returning home from a wonderful birthday cruise and Florida holiday. Getting closer to Ottawa, I find the reality of the situation is beginning to hit and I'm bracing myself for the overwhelm of emotion I will feel upon my return to reality and familiar things that remind me of mom.

 

I am so very grateful to have had my mother in my life for this length of time. The nursing staff in her seniors home have cried many tears, a measure of the extent to which my mother innately reached out and touched lives around her.

 

This coming week is Thanksgiving for our American colleagues. During this festive season, it makes me think back over the years of all the gifts given and received for which I've been grateful. I bet there's one special gift you gave that you remember fondly. Me too.

The best present I ever gave was one I prepared for my mother just a few months ago. My mom was 90 years old and had suffered from Alzheimer's for almost a decade (gee, it seems odd to use the word "was", as in past tense). Although she remembered most of her family members most of the days, the disease slowly robbed her of her precious memories. Chatting and visiting with her was always a joy and made me greatly appreciate the importance of communicating, even when you're not sure if it will be remembered. Although fleeting, I know with certainty there were moments we connected. 

Almost twenty years ago, I had written mom a series of letters with each entitled, "lessons my mother taught me". In these writings, I shared with her life skills I had learned at her hand when I was a child. Through mom's many moves to progressively increased care, these letters had been lost. Recently, I decided to recreate them and mail them to her again. For the past few months, every couple weeks I snail-mailed my mother a one-page note sharing one of my childhood memories of how deeply she had impacted my life. The lessons were principles that have guided me throughout the years, including:

• keep a song in your heart
• never be embarrassed by someone who loves you
• a promise is a promise.

This past September, I drove from Ottawa to the Niagara region to visit my mom, as I had done countless times over the years. When I walked in her room, I handed her a surprise -- a binder with a cover that read, "Lessons My Mother Taught Me". The subtitle noted, "Lessons learned by: Marion Grobb Finkelstein / Lessons taught by: Rita M. Grobb". Inside, in plastic page protectors, were the typed stories of each lesson I'd sent her.

For the week of my visit, each day I would read these stories aloud and she listened in awe. One time, much to my surprise and huge delight, she even read along with me and we took turns reading alternate paragraphs. Every time I read these lessons, it was as if she was hearing the stories for the first time. Really, in her mind, she was. My mom was amazed that I remembered these incidents and  she marveled at the lasting impression that her everyday actions had on me. "You remembered that?", she'd ask, as I recounted a seemingly incidental event. She smiled and listened intently as the stories unfolded and she realized her role in them. 

I felt a compelling need to share these joys with her in the living years. Why wait until she couldn't understand or (gulp) for a eulogy (my mother taught me that too - to express appreciation in the moment). As I sit here now, on this side of my mother's life, I am ever grateful that I shared them when I did.

Whether you're celebrating Thanksgiving, or soon to celebrate Christmas, Chanukah, or just the festive holiday spirit and sense of connection with others, I encourage you to communicate with someone who has touched you in ways he or she may not even realize. Let them know the positive influence they've had on your life and don't wait until tomorrow because, as I was sadly reminded, tomorrow may never come. It may be a family member, a colleague, your boss, or a client. Now is your time to reach out.

My mother may not have remembered the gift of my binder or the lessons she so ably taught me. She might not have recalled receiving the crisp typed one-page stories I'd mailed to her, or have any recollection of me seated by her side reading them to her.

 

She might not have remembered any of it at all, but I sure do. And that's the gift she gave me.

Until next time, here's to ...
Better communication, Better business, Better life,
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
COMMUNICATION CATALYST
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author
www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  

© 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communication specialist, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve morale, confidence and productivity by changing how they communicate. Chat with her at www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks and sign up for her FREE weekly "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com

Hour of Power

Do you know when is your "hour of power"? You might not know when it is, because you don't realize what it is, so let's start there.

(PS: take a peek at my brand new "Hour of Power" webinars: http://www.marionspeaks.com/marions-products/webinars Invest one hour of your time, and I'll give you ways to change how you communicate, boost your work performance and increase the results you get.. Satisfaction guaranteed. Interested?)

"HOUR OF POWER" IS YOUR HIGH ENERGY TIME

The "hour of power" is the time of day when you feel most energetic, most alert, and most on your game. What's yours?

This time is different for everyone. For you, it might be early morning when you hop out of bed and right into action. Or maybe you prefer to ease into your day slowly and you feel more energized as the day wears on. Perhaps you catch your stride in the afternoon, and that's when you're really in the groove. Or maybe you're more an evening person and find yourself in high form in the after-dinner or late hours of the evening.

Still not sure what hour chimes your power? Then do this: think back to the past weeks. If this wasn't a typical week for you, pick the week before. What time of day did you find you were sharpest? When were you most productive, most organized, most roaring to go?

Need some more help to define your hour? Ask yourself this: when you're on holidays or during weekends, what's your natural circadian rhythm? When are you most powered up? When does your energy flow? Figure this out, and you have a key to great communication.

YOUR HOUR OF POWER IS THE TIME TO TACKLE YOUR TOUGHEST COMMUNICATION CHALLENGES

Now that you've defined your "hour of power", you're positioned to use that information strategically. Plan to work on your toughest communication challenges when you have the most energy. It makes imminent sense. It takes brain power to solve any type of problem, including communication ones. You'll be more likely to find the solutions when you're at your sharpest. The options will come to you more readily.

Likewise, it takes energy to demonstrate control. If you're dealing with a contentious issue, doing so when you have the most energy will increase your chances of using cautious restraint, thinking with a clear head and having a positive outcome. Thanks to your hour of power.

Now you know when you are most likely to best handle tough communications. Put the odds in your favor and use the "hour of power" to best help empower you. You've got the power, and now you know where to find and how to use it. Power on!

Until next time, here's to ...
Better communication, Better business, Better life,
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
COMMUNICATION CATALYST
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author
www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  

© 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communication specialist, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve morale, confidence and productivity by changing how they communicate. Chat with her at www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks and sign up for her FREE weekly "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com