Marion's Communication Tips

Marion Grobb Finkelstein offers practical, proven and powerful communication tips you can put to use in the workplace. She'll help you increase morale, confidence and productivity by changing the way you communicate. You'll have communication tools to connect with colleagues, clients, employees and bosses... fast!

3 Ways to Feel More Comfortable at Workplace Social Functions

by Marion Grobb Finkelstein, 0 Comments

Apr 2013

Are you comfortable doing the "press the flesh" thing? When you attend workplace social functions, do you line up against the wall, frozen in position, not knowing where to begin or how to start a conversation?

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I Just Had a Meltdown!

by Marion Grobb Finkelstein, 0 Comments

Apr 2013

I had a day I wouldn't want to relive. You've probably had them too.It started out beautifully.

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How to Say NO!

by Marion Grobb Finkelstein, 0 Comments

When was the last time you wanted to say "no" and didn't? Maybe you agreed to take on some extra work, yet believed the request to be ridiculous. Or how about the special event you were volunteered to organize and just couldn't find a way to wiggle your way out of it? Maybe your client pressures you into changing a finish date on a delivery that means you burn the night oil to get it done. You want to say "no" and just don't know how. ...more

Are You Saying "Sorry" Too Much?

by Marion Grobb Finkelstein, (Disabled) Comments

When was the last time you said "sorry" ... to a piece of furniture? You bump into some inanimate object and the first words out of your mouth are, "I'm sorry". There are other options that might serve you better. ...more

I'm Only Being Honest

by Marion Grobb Finkelstein, 0 Comments

Have you ever heard someone pass a derogatory comment then follow it up with, "I'm only being honest"? In a situation like this, I'm tempted to question if honesty is the true motivation, or is it more accurately described as rudeness, insensitivity, or carelessness? Do these type of people really want to "put it out there" or simply put down someone else so they feel superior and better about themselves? Does their need to be heard supersede the feelings of the recipient and the potentially negative impact of their words?
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Ask for What You Need

by Marion Grobb Finkelstein, 0 Comments

Last year I was coaching a team and sharing results from a "rate our team" questionnaire I'd developed and that they had filled in. When rating their areas where they wanted to improve, the number one thing that popped up was, "learning how to ask for help". That was an eye-opener for many around the table. ...more

The Art of Proper "Complaining"

by Marion Grobb Finkelstein, 3 Comments

The Art of Proper "Complaining"

It happened to me just today. I was in a line-up at a large big box store (I won't mention the name - suffice to say they have lots of food samples, and endless lines at the cashier). I did a quick sweep, got the items on my list and headed for the cashier with the shortest line-up. None of them were short ... I said, "shortest".

After waiting what seemed like an inordinate amount of time, I realized that there seemed to be some complication with ringing through the gentleman at the front of the line. Maybe it was his card or the price on some item, I'm not sure. All I know is that help had to come and sort through.

Meanwhile, the line behind me grew ... and grew impatient, myself included. I had a presentation to finalize, photocopies to make, handouts to get ready. I wanted to leave. Perhaps it was this sense of urgency I had (and their lack of it) that heightened my sensibilities. I noticed things I wanted to complain about.

I couldn't hold it inside anymore. I turned to the guy behind me, a young chap in his 20s, and said, "wow, I can't believe that there are such lineups at every cashier, yet they have a couple cashes closed. Why on earth would they do that?".

He looked at me somewhat puzzled. OK, maybe "puzzled" is being kind. His expression shouted, "why is this woman speaking to me?", and you know something - he was right. He might have thought I was looking for him to somehow magically solve the problem. I wasn't. I was simply satisfying my need to vent and looking for some consensus regarding how ridiculous this wait was.

In that moment it hit me. I was reminded of what I tell my clients before they assert themselves and speak up:

Decide whether you want a solution or just need to vent.

In the words of Stephen Covey, "Begin with the end". Know WHY you feel the urge to speak up. It's really not complaining. It's satisfying a need. You either want to find an answer to a troubling question or you want emotional validation.The two reasons take on different approaches.

Letting the other person know the outcome you're expecting is helpful. This way, they know how to respond. Do you want a listening ear and validation? Or do you want some options and solutions?

Of course, if venting is your objective, turning to friends and people who know you is infinitely more effective than some young guy in a grocery line-up, though both serve the purpose of finding reassurance that your position is valid and can be seen and appreciated by others. Sometimes, that validation alone is enough.

If it's a solution you're looking for, that's very different. Turning to those who know you or are in a similar situation may feel good, but it's not going to do anything toward solving the problem. Instead, speak to a decision-maker, someone in a position to create change in the area of concern. Sometimes ferreting out who this person is can be a challenge in itself, especially in large, bureaucratic organizations. A great approach is to start with the phrase,

"I'm hoping you can help me."

It puts people in "receive mode", gives them esteem in that you're elevating their position to one seen as someone who has the power to assist, and it's respectful and polite.

Next time you feel the need to "complain", think of it instead as asserting yourself. Decide what you want before you start and I assure you, it will increase your chances that you'll get it. Now, wouldn't you rather be known as a strong, assertive communicator rather than a complainer? Now you have one more tool to do exactly that.

Until next time, here's to ...
Better communication, Better business, Better life,
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
COMMUNICATION CATALYST
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author
www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks

© 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communication specialist, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve morale, confidence and productivity by changing how they communicate. Chat with her at www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks and sign up for her FREE weekly "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com

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Replace Credibility Stoppers with Credibility Starters

by Marion Grobb Finkelstein, 0 Comments

Replace Credibility Stoppers with Credibility Starters

Do you ever wonder about the words you use and the impact they have on how people perceive you? Whether you realize it or not, your choice of words may not be serving you well. You may be undermining your communication.

How you speak and the words you use do one of two things:

build your credibility or rob you of it.

There are many ways that people erode their credibility. One of the most prevalent credibility stoppers I see (and ladies, pay attention, because we tend to do this more then men ...) is what I call "uptalk" .This is when everything a person says sounds like a question. Think California “valley girls” and teenage girls of almost any North American location who end just about every phrase with an upward inflection. Not only is this speech pattern incredibly distracting, it robs you of your credibility.

You may recognize what I mean by "uptalk". You hear other people do it and you know how distracting it can be. What you may not realize is if YOU are using it or not. Here's three ways to discover if you do so or not:

HOW TO DISCOVER IF YOU USE "UPTALK" OR NOT:

1) Have a colleague be your "uptalk" counter

2) Record yourself

3) Become aware and listen to yourself

The best way to critique any aspect of your communication, is to have a trusted source be your ears and eyes and provide constructive feedback. Select your colleague wisely and make sure that his or her communication style meets your needs. If you're looking for bottom line, give-me-the-facts feedback, find someone who can give you that gets right to it. Alternately, if you respond more effectively to a gentle and nurturing approach, look around for a colleague who approaches communication in that fashion.

Recording yourself is an excellent method to become painfully aware if uptalk has found its way into your vernacular. Listen to your outgoing voicemail message. Next time you leave a voicemail to someone, listen to it before you leave it -- check it for any uptalk and if you find any, re-record it until there is none. If you're doing a presentation or attending a meeting, discreetly clip a mic to your lapel and record til your heart's content. I often record my presentations and become painfully aware of all my speaking idiosyncrasies. You will too.

Finally, and perhaps most difficult, is simply being aware and noticing when you use uptalk. Listen to yourself. Be in the moment. Be a detective of your own speech pattern. If you find you are using uptalk, avoid the temptation to whip yourself. Instead, comment yourself for noticing! Pat yourself on the back every time you are aware of your own uptalk, because being aware that you just said it is just one step away from being aware just BEFORE you say it. And that's progress.

REPLACE UPTALK WITH CREDIBILITY STARTERS

To communicate with confidence, end your sentences firmly on a down note. Try it now. Say, “I have a red car?” (up-talk). It’s tentative, questioning, and in its most extreme use, speaking like this may make you sound a little (how to say this politely?) flighty, ditsy, airhead-like and most certainly, uncertain. Now try the very same sentence ending on a down note, "I have a red car". It’s strong, affirmative, powerful. Which impression would you prefer to give?

Uptalk may be stopping you from presenting a confident self-image to others. And if it is, now you now what to do about it (said with a "down note" -- that's a statement, not a question, because I know it to be true. Try it and see for yourself).

Comments about this article? Go one and post them on my blog at http://www.marionspeaks.com/_blog/Marions_Communication_Tips

PS: I'm planning a special series of sessions I'm anxious to tell you about. Stay tuned in the next few weeks for some exciting news!

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Why People Interrupt (and what to do about it)

by Marion Grobb Finkelstein, 6 Comments

Why People Interrupt (and what to do about it)

Have you ever been speaking with a colleague, client, boss or employee and it seems no matter what you do, you keep getting interrupted? You begin a sentence, then suddenly, someone jumps in to complete it. Even if the person is right on target with your thoughts, you find it frustrating. Worse yet, is when the interrupter takes your half-finished thought in a completely different direction than you'd intended. And he or she would have known that, if he or she had only let you finish without interrupting. Grrrrrrrr ...

Maddening, isn't it? Makes you feel like you're not being heard. If it happens often enough, you may even stop injecting comments into the conversation. "Why bother?", you tell yourself, "I'm only going to be cut off". Soon you convince yourself it's not worth the effort. Further, you conclude that the person interrupting is an insensitive boar who is so intent on getting his or her message out, that they walk all over yours.

The end result? Your relationship suffers. You feel a great sense of disconnect toward this person, perhaps even anger and resentment.

At a moment like this, you have a choice. You can allow negative emotions to usurp you, or you can choose an alternate path (and I hope you choose this one): you can shift your thinking by asking yourself if their behavior is intentional.

COMMUNICATION TIP: ASK YOURSELF IF THEY INTEND TO OFFEND? (They probably don't).

Connecting with others and communicating well begins with considering the other person's perspective. At the root of relationships is a magic seed called, "intent". Sometimes people can be painfully irritating AND simultaneously, blissfully unaware. If there is no deliberate intent on their part, it makes the behavior much more tolerable -- not necessarily acceptable, just tolerable. It will buy you a little more patience for them and their behavior if you acknowledge that you are not being deliberately targeted. They are not deliberately setting out to irritate. So why spend your limited energy being offended when none was intended?

It may be how they process.

Here's the reality: some people interrupt because it's how they process and interpret information. In their exuberance to show you they're on the same wavelength as you, in an effort to express enthusiasm in the subject at hand, they interrupt and ironically sabotage their very efforts to connect with you. It's not meant to be rude or disrespectful. Actually, quite to the contrary -- it's often intended as a sign that they are actively engaged in what you're saying. They want to demonstrate to you that they understand so well what you're saying, that they complete the sentence for you.

It may come from a place of service.

If you are the type of communicator that requires long pauses between thoughts as you process information, you might unknowingly be inviting this interrupting behavior. Sometimes people interrupt thinking that a prolonged pause is an invitation to fill in the blank. Or they believe they are helping provide a service to find the words for what they see as you grappling. They fill in the blanks, the voids, the dead air with thoughts they believe you are trying to express.

It may be time pressures.

Other times, people are just rushed and need to speed up the communication process and get on to the other million tasks that beckon them. Interrupting is their way, albeit ineffective, of keeping the conversation moving at breakneck speed. They are juggling so many balls and are so time-crunched, they are oblivious as to how they are potentially damaging a relationship so they can run to the next urgent matter yelling for their attention.

It may be anger or frustration.

If someone has tried several times to speak up and feels that they are not being heard, they may resort to interrupting. It's not right or necessarily effective. It is, however, a very human response, and we all do it from time to time. Ask yourself if this person is constantly interrupting you, or is it only when you're discussing certain volatile, emotional subjects? If he or she is angry or passionate about the subject being discussed, as frustrating as you being interrupted may be, it's less about you than it is about his or her need to be heard. It's not necessarily against you; it's for them.

POINT: people seldom interrupt with the specific intent of irritating you.

Once you understand that we're all different, it helps to build bridges between communication styles. If you're dealing with someone who interrupts, you might not be able to change his or her behavior, but you can sure change yours. If you find you're constantly being interrupted by all types of people, it might be YOUR communication style that needs tweaking. Here's some suggestions:

    1) Speak faster
    2) Invite comments before you complete your thought
    3) Ask the interrupter to give you a sec to finish what you were saying

It all begins with how you think. Take responsibility for that piece and your role in the communication dance, and you'll be amazed at how you can change the dynamics between you and others.

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More on the 24-Hour Rule

by Marion Grobb Finkelstein, 1 Comments

THE 24-HOUR RULE

Have you ever found yourself in that awkward situation where you’re disappointed, upset or angry with someone and you don’t know quite how to tell them? It happens everyday in workplaces across the country.

When a situation is especially volatile, emotions run high, and when emotions run high, people say things they probably shouldn't. When you feel threatened, attacked or think you have a lot to lose, your instinct may be to run and hide (flight) or to fight back, hard. Running away is seldom the right thing to do, though it does have its place. Perhaps putting up a fight is exactly the right response, though replying with a knee-jerk, angst-filled reaction is not. It just won't serve you well.

Susan was a manager is a large national non-profit organization. She worked very closely with other managers and was quite successful at getting things done through influence, as she had no direct authority over the divisions of her peers. She got along with everyone except one. His name was David and he was a son-of-a-gun.

David would respond to Susan's email with point-by-point lengthy rebuttals. He would cc a barrage of people on emails which appeared to Susan as though he were grandstanding in front of an audience. Instead of working collaboratively, it appeared that he fought her solid, well-presented recommendations every step of the way.

Susan's normal response was to reply politely, professionally and promptly to David's emails that came to feel like public attacks. To break the email monotony and in the hopes of making a personal connection, every now and then she picked up the phone and responded immediately verbally then followed up with a written reply. All this was taking enormous amounts of energy and time. The opportunity cost was that Susan came in early and worked late to stay on top of the rest of her workload. It was exhausting and sucked the fun out of going in to the office every day. Every time it seemed that Susan reached out to reply to David, her hand was slapped.

Then she had an epiphany: change the dance.

After too many sleepless nights, Susan realized that she could change the dynamics of her working relationship with David by changing how she responded to him. No more would she respond immediately, especially on volatile subjects. She decided she would apply the "24-hour rule". That is, she would draft or think about her response then sit on it for 24 hours before sending it. It worked. David continued dashing off detail-laden emails, several a day, and when he got no immediate response, the emails slowed down. Susan's responses were less harried, more strategic and general in nature, and the 24-hour rule gave her more time to tend to her many other duties.

Perhaps you've found yourself in a situation similar to Susan (true story, names have been changed) where you've felt pressured to respond, or you were so upset you wanted to respond immediately. Something angers you and you feel you must reply to preserve your reputation or to present your argument before a decision is made or an action taken. Sometimes time really is of the essence, though, more often, waiting a day to respond is completely reasonable.

COMMUNICATION TIP: Apply the 24-hour rule. Give yourself time before you respond.

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Marion's Communication Tips

3 Ways to Feel More Comfortable at Workplace Social Functions

I Just Had a Meltdown!

How to Say NO!

Are You Saying "Sorry" Too Much?

I'm Only Being Honest

Ask for What You Need

The Art of Proper "Complaining"

Replace Credibility Stoppers with Credibility Starters

Why People Interrupt (and what to do about it)

Why People Interrupt (and what to do about it)

More on the 24-Hour Rule

THE 24-HOUR RULE

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