Marion's Communication Tips

When was the last time you connected face to face with someone for the first time? Perhaps it was a colleague that you'd emailed or spoken with on the phone, and had never met. Or maybe it was someone you already knew well and were glad to see in person.

This past weekend I had the pleasure of attending a 10-year reunion for "Women Moving Forward" in Kanata, Ontario. A group of 20 ladies, from all different businesses and backgrounds, gathered to commemorate an organization that helped women connect on a personal face-to-face and heart-to-heart basis.

It was so interesting to meet some of these ladies in person. We had chatted on Facebook, exchanged comments and photos, yet had never actually seen each other in person. It was magic. And it reminded me how important it is to connect in person.

I don't care how great technology is - there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that will replace face-to-face communication.

When you reach out and shake someone's hand, you're getting a universe of information. Is that hand cold or warm? Soft or calloused? Weak or strong? In those few seconds, you consciously or unconsciously deduce if that person is nervous or relaxed, an office worker or tradesperson, shy or confident. That's the benefit of meeting face to face.

Even the wonderful technologies that are now available to us, like teleconferencing or video calls, pale in comparison to the visceral response we get to seeing someone in person. As amazing as this technology is in connecting you across the miles, it is trumped by face-to-face communication.

Think about the people with whom you communicate. Perhaps they are colleagues in other countries, clients on the other side of the country ... or maybe they're just on the other side of your building. Imagine going to a social function, meeting or conference and seeing them for the first time in person.

That personal touch connection is irreplaceable.

There never was, never is, never will be anything that garners so much information, satisfaction and visceral response as human face-to-face communication. That's why you pay to see celebrities in person, to hear bands play live and to attend conferences with speakers you've heard of and colleagues you rarely get to see. 

Who do you want to meet, face-to-face?

Who have you communicated with recently using only technology? Who in your life would benefit from a face-to-face exchange with you?

Here's your action item for this week: get in touch with a colleague and arrange to meet face-to-face. It could be casually over coffee or more formally in a meeting. However it feels most comfortable, you choose.

Regardless of the venue, when you shake the hand, look in the eyes, read the body language and see the facial expressions, you'll remember why face-to-face is so important. Because it connects you on a deeper level. Go get connected, in person.

Until next time, here's to ...
Better communication, Better business, Better life,
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
COMMUNICATION CATALYST
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author
www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com

www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  

© 2012 Marion Grobb Finkelstein

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communication catalyst, author, and professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein motivates and teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve morale, confidence and productivity by changing how they communicate. Get weekly hands-on tips by signing up for "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com

I often tell my clients that people can't read your mind, only your actions. No one can possibly know what you are thinking until you actually say it, or what you want to do until you do it. They only know and remember the things you say or do. Now here's the rub: they don't know the motivation or reasoning behind your actions, they only know your actions.

You show what you value by how you spend your resources, and your most valuable of resources is time.

How you spend your time, and who you spend it on, communicates volumes.

When you reach out to someone else, the results can be remarkable. It's great fun to connect with someone you love being with, someone who makes you laugh and makes you feel valued and alive. You enjoy working with him or her, so you tend to reach out more than to someone who's tough to work with. It's difficult to reach out to those who are prickly. Chances are you work with a few of those people (admit it - you thought of someone in particular, didn't you?). Or even more trying, perhaps you're related to one.

I was traveling recently and seated at a table with a fellow I considered to be a bit of a know-it-all. He regaled us with demonstrations of his acerbic wit. He engaged in conversations without acknowledging the validity of others' viewpoints. In short, he was a conversation bully. My inclination was to shoot back, to argue with him, to dislike him, his opinions, and what I believed he stood for.

Instead, what I did was reach out to connect.

How, you ask? With a technique I've found to be exceptionally effective. I've used it at meetings, with clients, and in my personal life, and I invite you to use it the next time you encounter someone who you find difficult. This technique requires practice and discipline, and it works.

If you have a certain someone in mind, someone with whom you don't quite see eye to eye, picture them right now and do this exercise. When you see him or her next time, do this exercise again, in person.

Use the "camera technique" to gain perspective.

Look at him or her objectively. Picture yourself as a camera person or a talk show host simply watching them communicate and observing the dynamics between all the parties. Focus on the process, how he or she is speaking, what gestures he or she is using. Find something, anything, no matter how small, that you find amusing or admirable. You might have to dig. Focus hard. Let that amusement fill your being and curl the corners of your lips. You genuinely admire and like that aspect of this person.

We're all package deals, collections of experiences and attitudes. Find something in the package of that person you authentically enjoy. Perhaps it's his or her vast knowledge (although this type of person may not know everything, he or she does know something. Admire that something). Or maybe it's the way they are able to respond so quickly (albeit with inappropriate response -- it's the speed and wit you appreciate). Perhaps you've noticed how they have an ability to bite their tongue when others would blurt out a response (though you'd love if they actually spoke up every now and then).

Identify something you authentically admire.

Building on that positive point, no matter how small, picture that positive feeling welling up inside you to the point of overflow. Pick whatever color this feeling is to you, then imagine yourself being empty and filling with this color as it completely fills and envelopes you. This color is so large it begins to reach out with a long rubbery arm to embrace the person of your attention. Wrap him or her in this blanket of color, let it wash over and surround him or her. Focus on something positive about this person, and let the feeling flow.

Energy is a fact of science. You emit and receive energies of various types, both positive and negative. You likely use expressions involving energy, such as, "we're on the same wavelength", "he gives me good vibes", or "she's really tuned in to the issues". Your energy is your resource. You can choose to channel and use it to connect with others.

When you're in your workplace or dealing with clients (or even family members), you'll have plenty of opportunity to put this technique to practice. It has helped turn many what-could-be irritating people into somewhat amusing characters. This exercise will help you connect with 99% of people ... even with the nasties you may work with, serve or be related to. Go ahead and color your world.

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Until next time, here's to ...
Better communication, Better business, Better life,
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
COMMUNICATION CATALYST
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author
www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  

© 2012 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communication specialist, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve morale, confidence and productivity by changing how they communicate. Chat with her at www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks and sign up for her FREE weekly "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com

Have you ever watched a foreign film and sometimes the subtitles don’t seem to quite match the action on the screen? It’s a little jarring, isn't it? The same thing can happen when we communicate face to face. The gestures you use can help underscore or undermine your message.

I recently saw a person smiling as they relayed to a colleague their deepest sympathies for the death of a loved one. Most likely that smile was from nerves and the person was completely unaware that they were even doing it. Regardless of the reason, it was oddly out of place and the result was mixed messaging and inappropriate communication. Boy, did it send the wrong impression! I remember thinking if that was someone talking to me after I’d lost a loved one, I would definitely not appreciate the grin. Mixed up gestures mean mixed up messaging.

A recent study at the University of Manchester found that the use of gestures increased the accuracy with which people recalled stories by as much as 35 per cent! This tells us that using gestures -- the right ones -- can certainly enhance your communications.

How are your actions? Are your gestures and facial expressions in synch with what you're saying and what you hope to communicate? Here's a few quick quiz questions that may help:

1. When you speak to someone on a sensitive or important issue, do you:
   • focus your eye contact on him or her ... OR ...
   • tend to look around and be easily distracted?
2. When a colleague is relaying an upsetting incident, do you:
   • furrow your brows (showing focus), squint your eyes a bit, lean in (showing interest) ... OR ...
   • show no facial expressions at all?
3. When you are interested in what someone has to say, do you:
   • actively listen (maintain eye contact, keep palms up, offer neutral facial gestures) ... OR ...
   • get pulled away by distractions like the phone, other people walking by, papers on your desk?
4. When you want to assert yourself, do you:
   • display great, straight posture ... OR ...
   • curl in your shoulders and tilt your chin downward?
5. When you are happy, do you:
   • smile so your cheeks rise and your eyes smile too ... OR ...
   • do you forget to tell your face and not smile at all?

Were most of your answers the first option? If so, good on you! If not, well, now you know. We all work on our body language and the first step is awareness. If you've ever wondered what your gestures look like and if they're consistent, try videotaping yourself. Wow, that's revealing.

Your challenge for today, should you chose to accept it: ensure that the gestures you use are consistent with your message. Show them your stuff by showing them what you mean... and make it consistent.

Until next time, here's to ...
Better communication, Better business, Better life,
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
COMMUNICATION CATALYST
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author
www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  

© 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communications expert, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve morale, confidence and productivity by changing how they communicate. Chat with her at www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks or sign up for her FREE weekly e-newsletter "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com

Every now and then, I get a question that so many people have asked (or want to ask), that I simply want to share it with all of you. This is one of those delicate communication situations described below. Perhaps you've found yourself in this awkward position or you will someday. Read on, and you'll have some suggestions with how to handle it.

QUESTION:

I was wondering how to approach employees on personal hygiene issues.  It's not that the individuals are dirty or filthy but rather don't use personal anti-perspirants due to whatever reason. I have other employees commenting on "how ripe" the smell is on some days!  I'd like to discuss this with the individuals and wondered how to handle it.
Signed, Holding my breath until I get an answer.

MARION'S RESPONSE:

What a tough situation -- talk about having to communicate a difficult message! Rest assured, you're not alone. I've known several people who have handled this predicament. Here's some principles of good communications and tactics I would suggest:

1. SET THE TONE: Before you do anything, get your head in the right place -- come from a place of service, not judgement. You are speaking to this person because you have information that will help them (I'll explain how in a sec). Keep the mood light and casual. If you're nervous about speaking to them, remind yourself that you're doing this to support them, not to make them feel bad. Remind yourself of the outcome you want to see -- improved relationships, better productivity (it's hard to be productive when people don't want to be around you), and maintaining the person's dignity.

2. SPEAK IN PRIVATE. You mention "individuals" (plural) -- meet with each one separately and privately. If your workspace doesn't have a door, find a corner somewhere that you can meet without anyone hearing. No one needs to know that you're speaking to them. This is a sensitive issue and the intent is to treat it delicately and respectfully. Keep it short, brief, friendly and authoritative (you're the boss, right?)

3. WHAT TO SAY. The two golden rules of offering feedback:

            1) the person feel better for having heard it; and

            2) They know what to do to improve.

With this in mind:

a) Let them know the situation

b) Explain the impact it's having on THEM (i.e., their operational effectiveness) and others and (here's the important part) why it's in their best interest to change.

c) let them know you're there to help, you support them

d) close with a thank you and how much you value them.

A few cautions:

a) Make no reference to what might be causing the body odor, or anything that might end you up in the HR or lawyer's office -- that is, make no reference to culture, gender, weight, or anything else that you might see as contributing factors. These things could be seen as personal attacks, and that's not the intent.

b) Be approachable while being matter-of-fact

c) Allow them to save face, not be embarrassed.

It could sound something like this:

"Debbie/John (fill in the blank), I wanted to speak to you because I've noticed something I think you'll want to hear. Please know that I say this in the spirit of support and because you deserve to connect with colleagues and clients to the greatest extent possible.

I find that when I'm near you, I smell perspiration or body odour. I don't know what's causing it, all I know is that I'm concerned it's affecting your ability to interact with colleagues and clients.

You deserve to feel comfortable around others, so taking care of this piece is just another way to connect. There's lots of products you can try until you find a combination that works for you. If you have any questions, I'm not an expert but I'll certainly answer questions and help you as much as I can.

I appreciate the fact that we can speak candidly. So, let me know how it's going and if you have any questions, let me know."

Hope that helps. Let me know how it goes!

(PS: Hey, if you're reading this and have had a similar incident, post your comments and let us know what you did and how it turned out... or if you're going to use the approach suggested above).

Do you ever lose your cool? Ah, c'mon, honestly now. If you say, "no", you're fibbing. Everyone loses it, sometimes. It's normal. It's natural. And it can be a career stopper if you let it. Losing your cool alters not just the effectiveness of your communications --  it can alter your relationships forever. The key is controlling your temper, before it controls you.

This past Sunday night, I grabbed my cuppa tea and nestled into the couch for our weekly ritual -- watching "The Apprentice". I love observing the communication between all the players and find the drama of interpersonal dynamics fascinating. This week did not disappoint. At the top of the show, Nene, a rather brash and outspoken woman, went completely ballistic on Star Jones. What an scene! And she did it right in front of the client launching the challenge for the two competing teams. At that point, I had to wonder if the client wrote off Nene's team (Nene was Project Leader) because of her outburst. Have you ever been discounted or discounted someone else due to a temper tantrum?

In the workplace, the tension and stress levels can be quite similar to this scenario, though we might contain it with a little more class. Few people (thankfully) behave as bombastically as Nene did. That doesn't mean that we don't sometimes fantasize doing so. The challenge is, how to control your temper when you feel so frustrated you could scream? These tips will get you on your way:

• LISTEN TO YOUR BODY AND BREATHE: Be aware of the stress signals your body is sending you. Be in the moment and conscious of what's happening. Cortisone is coursing through your veins, your blood pressure is soaring, and chances are, you're holding your breath. The antidote? Breathe. Breathe mindfully and deeply. Feel the stress drain from your being. Your body will thank you, and it will help you gain back control.

• REMEMBER THE BIG PICTURE AND FIND SOMETHING YOU LIKE: When colleagues push your buttons, chances are they don't even realize they're doing so. Normally, there is no intent at all to drive you nuts (unless they're "bullies", and that's a whole other ball game). In the absence of anything proving otherwise, assume that your antagonist's actions are not deliberate. Think about your relationship with this person as a whole, and consider this action that is prompting your potential outburst as an isolated incident. Even if this person has pushed your buttons before, consider this incident, whatever it might be, as a small portion of the whole relationship. Remember the good parts, gain perspective.

• POLITELY EXCUSE YOURSELF AND REMOVE YOURSELF: If you can't contain yourself, remove yourself. You know when you're about to lose it, so read the signs and put yourself in a place where you can regain control. If that means taking a "time out", do it. If you don't know your limits and aren't sure when you're reaching your boiling point, educate yourself -- become a student of your own emotional barometer, and know the warning signs before you surrender to your outburst.

•  HOLD YOUR TEMPER NOT FOR THEM ... DO IT FOR YOU. No one wants to witness your temper tantrum, no matter how justifiable it may be in your mind. Such outbursts could distance you from other colleagues -- they may not want to be associated with someone known as "hot-headed". Your losing your cool may damage not only one relationship you have, but many. Put a lid on it, not just out of respect for the other person (whether they deserve it or not) -- do it out of respect for yourself, your relationships, and your career. Keeping your cool will best serve you.

•  REMEMBER, YOU CAN'T UNRING THE BELL. Once words are spoken, they cannot be taken back. They irrevocably change relationships. Even with apologies and explanations, the words still hang there in the air, often pushing people apart and nudging them further mired into their polar-opposite positions. When speaking in anger, people share the unvarnished secrets of their darkest hearts, without benefit of tact and diplomacy. It can be ugly and distasteful. The price for that fleeting moment of "feel good" may be a lifetime of regret. COMM TIP: Watch the words you spit out because one day, you may have to swallow them.

In the final analysis, losing your temper won't serve you well. It will destroy relationships and paint you as an unprofessional hot-head. Regardless of what you think of the other person, don't you deserve more? Hold your tongue, hold your relationships.

PS: I'd love to hear your thoughts about how holding your temper. Just post your comments below. 

Until next time, here's to ...
Better communication, Better business, Better life!
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author
www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  

© 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communications expert, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve their businesses and their lives by improving their communications. Chat with her Facebook www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  or sign up for her FREE weekly e-newsletter "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com

This past weekend, I broke down and bought one of those "Roombas". If you're not familiar with this techno tool, allow me to explain. It's absolute magic for anyone who can't stand housework.  It's a round gadget, about a foot in diametre, that has little wheels and travels around a room automatically vaccumming everything in its path. It's absolutely great. Today, I vaccuummed while I wasn't even home!

As I watched this machine go to work, it was pretty obvious that it knew what it was doing. I soon felt comfortable enough to leave it on its own. A half hour later, the machine beeped that it had completed the room. At that point, I got up, checked the job, cleaned out the machine, then repeated it all over again in another room. Then it struck me and I chuckled at the parallels between this Roomba and how people communicate trust.

Do you manage employees? Supervise volunteers? Delegate to others? Then you know how important trust is. It's the foundation of relationships. Without trust, there is doubt, uncertainty, and untold stress. If you trust people, let them know it. But how? Here's some suggestions:

DELEGATE, DON'T MICRO-MANAGE . All professionals take pride in their work. That's why, whether you delegate or not, you want the end product to be of excellent quality. Sometimes, when we micro-manage, it's because we are coming from a place of fear. The temptation to control every minute detail is immense, because we care. The recipient of this micro-managing reads this behavior as mistrust. In addition, it's discouraging and demotivating to be under the thumb of someone. It allows no room to grow. It's much more productive that you delegate and then, let go.

COMMUNICATE PARAMETRES. If you're working with other people and counting on them to pull their load, make sure you clearlly communicate what you need and when... then leave the "how" up to the people implementing. That doesn't mean they have carte blanche -- it means they can use their creativity and expertise toward common goals.

KEEP ON COMMUNICATING. Build in milestones and checkpoints where you will be advised of the status. If possible, face to face updates are great. They can be formal or informal, depending on the complexity of the project and what you delegated. These milestone touchpoints will assure your comfort level that the task assigned is on track. Trusting someone doesn't mean that you relieve yourself from responsibility. Quite to the contrary. You're still responsible, so staying connected makes sense. Be connected, not crushing.

SUPPORT FROM AFAR. Once you've delegated, let the person know that you're accessible and then, make sure you're available when they need you. Support may come in various forms such as providing training, assuring adequate funding, and being available to provide guidance, approval and decisions. Assuming a hands-off approach doesn't mean abdicating your role as the lead; it means giving enough space for others to do their jobs without being suffocated. The space communicates trust. Being accessible communicates support.

If you want harmonious relationships, trusting -- and communicating that trust -- is essential. Assign the task, then let them go to work and do what they do best. If they "beep" and need your help, check on them and give them the support they need to get them going in the right direction. I'll remember these lessons every time I speak to a client on the subject of delegation ... and every time I use my Roomba. I hope these tips (including the one about the Roomba) help you too.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on how delegating effectively communicates trust. Just post your comments below: 

WHERE ON EARTH IS MARION? In addition to communication coaching and consulting, here's where I'm presenting in the next few months. If you're attending, let me know! Or if I'm coming to your area and your organization is interested in receiving communication training, just drop me a line at Marion@MarionSpeaks.com :   June 8, 2011: OMSSA (Ottawa, Ont) June 15, 2011: Vitalize (Edmonton, Alberta) July 27: IAAP Education Forum and Annual Meeting (Montreal, Quebec)

Until next time, here's to ...
Better communication, Better business, Better life!
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author

www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  

© 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communications expert, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve their businesses and their lives by improving their communications. Chat with her Facebook www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  or sign up for her FREE weekly e-newsletter "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com

It happens to the best of us. You're in a meeting presenting your project updates, you feel in control and confident, and then it starts. The peppering of questions. The barrage of complaints. The aggressive body language. It spirals into a frenzy and others around the table start chiming in with their two cents worth. Perhaps even your own teammates add fuel to the fire. The result? You feel attacked.

It's difficult to maintain composure under such circumstances, wouldn't you agree Marion? It all begins with how you think, what you say and what you do. Here's a few tips to get you on your way, and to regain the composure and control that really belongs to you. I call it the "LUVS" approach and it stands for "Listen Up, Validate, Solve".

1. LISTEN UP. People want to be heard. Sometimes people start pumping up the volume, animating the gestures and pping the forcefulness of their language, when they feel they aren't being heard. So listen. When you actively listen, you allow people to express themselves and yes, to vent. Strip out the emotion and hear the questions and concern they're really asking. What's at the crux of their frustration? If you have information that will allay their concerns, give it to them. Answer their questions.
2. VALIDATE THEIR CONCERN. Let me be clear here -- validating someone's concern doesn't mean that you agree with them. It's simply acknowledging that you understand and appreciate how or why someone would think the way he or she does. The thinking may be horribly flawed, not make sense, and not serve the person well -- it simply underpins  the words and actions of that person. To validate a concern can be as simple as actively listening. Or, it can be saying things like, "I can see why it might appear that way", or "I see".
3. SEEK SOLUTIONS: Lots of energy is spent by someone being aggressive. Take that energy and rechannel it to solving problems. Focus on the overall goals. Raise the conversation to a higher ground and perspective. Look at the "big picture" and what this person (and perhaps you also) really wants to accomplish. Spend your limited energy and theirs on finding solutions.

When you feel attacked, it's difficult to be rational. Emotion begets emotion. However, if you really value and/or really need that relationship, let your head rule. Listen, validate and redirect to solutions and you'll find that often aggression will give way to cooperation. Go ahead, and give it a try -- the world could do with a little more LUVS.

Until next time, here's to ...
Positive communication,
Productive relationships,
Powerful results!
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author
www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  

© 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communications expert, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve their businesses and their lives by improving their communications. Chat with her Facebook www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  or sign up for her FREE weekly e-newsletter "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com