Marion's Communication Tips

Have you ever found yourself in that awkward situation where you’re disappointed, upset or angry with someone and you don’t know quite how to tell them? It happens everyday in workplaces across the country.

When a situation is especially volatile, emotions run high, and when emotions run high, people say things they probably shouldn't. When you feel threatened, attacked or think you have a lot to lose, your instinct may be to run and hide (flight) or to fight back, hard. Running away is seldom the right thing to do, though it does have its place. Perhaps putting up a fight is exactly the right response, though replying with a knee-jerk, angst-filled reaction is not. It just won't serve you well.

Susan was a manager is a large national non-profit organization. She worked very closely with other managers and was quite successful at getting things done through influence, as she had no direct authority over the divisions of her peers. She got along with everyone except one. His name was David and he was a son-of-a-gun.

David would respond to Susan's email with point-by-point lengthy rebuttals. He would cc a barrage of people on emails which appeared to Susan as though he were grandstanding in front of an audience. Instead of working collaboratively, it appeared that he fought her solid, well-presented recommendations every step of the way.

Susan's normal response was to reply politely, professionally and promptly to David's emails that came to feel like public attacks. To break the email monotony and in the hopes of making a personal connection, every now and then she picked up the phone and responded immediately verbally then followed up with a written reply. All this was taking enormous amounts of energy and time. The opportunity cost was that Susan came in early and worked late to stay on top of the rest of her workload. It was exhausting and sucked the fun out of going in to the office every day. Every time it seemed that Susan reached out to reply to David, her hand was slapped.

Then she had an epiphany: change the dance.

After too many sleepless nights, Susan realized that she could change the dynamics of her working relationship with David by changing how she responded to him. No more would she respond immediately, especially on volatile subjects. She decided she would apply the "24-hour rule". That is, she would draft or think about her response then sit on it for 24 hours before sending it. It worked. David continued dashing off detail-laden emails, several a day, and when he got no immediate response, the emails slowed down. Susan's responses were less harried, more strategic and general in nature, and the 24-hour rule gave her more time to tend to her many other duties.

Perhaps you've found yourself in a situation similar to Susan (true story, names have been changed) where you've felt pressured to respond, or you were so upset you wanted to respond immediately. Something angers you and you feel you must reply to preserve your reputation or to present your argument before a decision is made or an action taken. Sometimes time really is of the essence, though, more often, waiting a day to respond is completely reasonable.

COMMUNICATION TIP: Apply the 24-hour rule. Give yourself time before you respond.