Holidays are a wonderful thing! We all work very hard and deserve some well-earned down time. It seems, however, that with family, friends, outings, gift-wrapping, turkey dinners, and Boxing Day sales, there is little time left to relax. Ironically, it's during these busy periods when we have the least time that reaching out to others means the most. If we want to connect, we will make the effort.

In a recent session with my friends at Project Management Institute, I noted that people can't read our minds, only our actions. No one can possibly know what we meant or wanted to do. They only know and remember the things we actually did. They don't know the motivation or reasoning behind our actions, they only know the actions. We show what we value by how we spend our resources, and our most valuable of resources is time. How we spend our time, and who we spend it on, communicates volumes.

When we reach out to someone else, the results can be remarkable. It's great fun to connect with someone we love being with, someone who makes us laugh and makes us feel valued and alive. It's tougher to reach out to those who do not. Chances are you work with a few of those types of people. Or even more trying, perhaps you're related to some.

I was travelling recently and seated at a table with a fellow I considered to be a bit of a know-it-all. He regaled us with demonstrations of his acerbic wit. He engaged in conversations without acknowledging the validity of others' viewpoints. In short, he was a conversation bully. My inclination was to shoot back, to argue with him, to dislike him and what he stood for. Instead, what I did was reach out to connect. How, you ask? With a technique I've found to be exceptionally effective. I've used it at meetings, with clients, and in my personal life. Here it is, and I invite you to use this at the next opportunity where you encounter someone with whom you really find it tough to connect. This technique requires practice and discipline, and it works.

If you have a certain someone in mind, someone with whom you don't quite see eye to eye, picture them right now and do this exercise. When you see him or her next time, do this exercise again, in person.

Look at them objectively. Picture yourself as a camera person or a talk show host simply watching them communicate and observing the dynamics between all the parties. Focus on the process, how he or she is speaking, what gestures he or she is using. Find something, anything, no matter how small, that you find amusing or admirable. You might have to dig. Focus hard. Let that amusement fill your being and curl the corners of your lips. You genuinely admire and like that aspect of this person. We're all package deals, collections of experiences and attitudes. Find something in that package you enjoy. Perhaps it's his or her vast knowledge (although this type of person may not know everything, he or she does know something. Admire that something). Or maybe it's the way they are able to respond so quickly (albeit with inappropriate response -- it's the speed and wit you appreciate). Building on that positive point, no matter how small, picture that positive feeling welling up inside you to the point of overflow. Pick whatever colour this feeling is to you, then imagine yourself being empty and filling with this colour as it completely fills and envelopes you. This colour is so large it begins to reach out with a long rubbery arm to embrace the person of your attention. Wrap him or her in this blanket of colour, let it wash over and surround him or her. Focus on something positive about this person, and let the feeling flow.

Energy is a fact of science. We all emit and receive energies of various types, both positive and negative. We use expressions like, "we're on the same wavelength", "he gives me good vibes", or "she's really tuned in to the issues". Our energy is our resource. We can choose to channel and use it to connect with others.

During this holiday season, or when you get back to work, you'll have plenty of opportunity to put this technique to practice. It has helped turn many what-could-be irritating people into somewhat amusing characters. Of course, there are extremes where even this technique is beyond reach. That being said, however, this exercise will help you connect with 99% of people. Reach out. After all, 'tis the season.

A keynote speaker, trainer, author, Marion helps individuals and organizations improve productivity by improving their communications. Contact marion@marionspeaks.com of www.MarionSpeaks.com

Copyright ©2008, Marion Grobb Finkelstein. All rights reserved.

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