SARCASTIC? NEVERRRRR ...

It's ugly, isn't it?  -- the way we communicate when we're under incredible amounts of stress. Although we all know communicating when stressed can be damaging to our relationships, boy oh boy, it's tough to keep your cool when it seems the world is conspiring against you.

One of the most unproductive and destructive forms of communication, and one that raises its head during stressful times, is sarcasm.

I was recently helping a friend load a rather large TV into the back seat of a car. In order to minimize the chance of theft, he asked me to grab a blanket from inside so we could cover the TV. I came back not with a blanket, but a large scrap of heavy fabric I'd found. I thought it would cover the TV nicely and leave the good blanket on the couch where it belonged. When I asked my colleague if the fabric was covering his side of the TV, he retorted sarcastically, "why use a blanket when we can use this piece of ----". Without a word, I removed the fabric and returned with the blanket. Doggone it, he was right. The scrap of fabric was too small and the blanket really was the better choice. The content of his message was correct. It was the way in which it was delivered that was ineffective.

I gave it a few minutes and then broached the subject, telling him that I understood his point; I didn't understand the sarcasm. In my eyes, there was no reason for him to lash out as my actions weren't malicious. There was no ill intent and I explained to him that, in my view, the sarcasm was misdirected.

I'm not sure he got it. He may have missed the lesson, so in an effort to share it with others, here it is ...

The point: sarcasm is veiled contempt. It may be unabashedly targeted or be masked as "humour". Either way, it is destructive and an ineffective way to communicate when stressed. It discounts otherwise useful comments that may be lost in the sting.

Here's the option: instead of being sarcastic, say blatantly and respectfully what you mean. In this case, saying, "this piece of cloth really isn't working. It was a good try. Let's see if the blanket will work instead". Validating, acknowledging the attempt, respectfully explaining it doesn't work -- that's respectful communications.

If you're tempted to use sarcasm, ask yourself why? Is the action prompting your response deliberately malicious or delightfully unintentional? If no ill intent exists, sarcasm has no place. Direct and respectful communication will yield better results, hands down. And it's so much more becoming of you and your professionalism.

If you're the recipient of sarcasm, point it out to the offender, describing how it makes you feel to be on the receiving end. Give credit for the content of the message (it's quite often good!) and gently explain how sarcasm risks the valuable and useful message being lost. As difficult as it is to resist a retort or to dish back sarcasm in return, view these situations as a chance to hone your communication skills... and perhaps provide some insight to a colleague.